As the parents of two young girls, the subject of this blog is very important to me. My oldest daughter is 9 years of age, and I have often contemplated how to handle the "birds and the bees" discussion with her. I know soon her friends will be starting to discuss the subject and I would prefer to give her sound information before she hears various stories from her peers. As a Catholic family, I believe abstaining from sex until marriage to be the right thing to do. However, I am not naive, as I was once a teenager myself. I would like my daughters to be prepared with accurate information so they can make an informed decision about their own best interests for their bodies, minds and souls.
I found a book I found very helpful written specifically for teens thinking about becoming sexually active. The book is Pure Love by Jason Evert, and I used allot of his viewpoints when writing this dialogue. I bought a copy to give my daughter for when she is ready to have some difficult questions answered.
Mom: " I know that your friends must be starting to talk about sex. Are there any questions that you would like to ask?"
Child: " No"
Mom: "I know that it's embarrassing to talk about this with your mom, but no matter what you say I won't laugh or get upset. I got a book for you called Pure Love. This book is discusses some things you need to think about before you have sex with someone. You know that I feel the best thing is to wait for sex until you are married, right?
Child: "Yes, but no one does that any more."
Mom: " I know that many of your friends will have sex in high school and that is their decision but you have to do what is best for you and your body."
Child: "I know."
Mom: " You know that by having sex, you open up a whole new set of feelings as well as possible problems. Of course you can get pregnant or STD from sex but even more important is how it may affect your attitude toward love and intimacy and your relationships. A lot of people think using sex to get or hold on to a boyfriend is the only option. But if the man values you he will want to do what is the best for you."
Child: " What if we both want to do it?"
Mom: "Once sex is involved in the relationship it often forces everything else aside. You start worshipping each other's bodies rather than the person inside. True love is something that is meant to last forever and to be shared between a husband and a wife, and giving each other the gift of sex is the ultimate sign of your love for each other."
Child: "I don't know if I can wait until I get married."
Mom: " It can be hard. What I want you to do is to think about what is important for you. Are you having sex just to keep the guy? Do you really want to have sex? Do you truly love this man? If you have sex what might change in your relationship? What would God want you to do?"
If you still decide to have sex, use protection. Always use a condom and tell me when you decide so we can start you an birth control pills. I want you to wait, but it's important that you protect yourself if you decide to have sex."
Child: " Well don't worry, I don't even have a boyfriend."
Mom: "I just want you to know I am here any time you want to talk about it, I won't judge you or get mad. Sex is a big step and you really need to think about it and talk about it if you think you are ready."
Child: "OK, thanks, I will let you know if I think it's time."
Mom: "I'm always here for you, and read the book it may answer some questions you haven't even thought about yet."
Reference:
Evert, J. (2008). Pure Love (1st ed.). San Diego, CA: Catholic Answers Press.
This was a really good post. Sometimes we as parents don't want to touch on the topic of sex because we are naive to what's going on. I think you did a really good job and shared your views, as well as, allowed your daughter to make her views known also. I too have three girls and their ages are 23, 18, 7 respectively so I know where your coming from. It is important for our children to be educated about sex and to also know that we are always here for them no matter what. Great post !
ReplyDeleteTeresa
I want to look into that book as I too have children that need to one day have this talk as well, I had no idea about any book for this subject as I have never took the time to look and my parents nor anyone else have even recommended any books to me. I too believe that people should wait until they are married to have sex but it seems almost impossible in America these days.
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed reading your blog. I like the way you wen about having "The Talk".I think that is a more effective way, rather than just simply telling yoiur children to not have sex until they are married.I have too children of my own an eleven year old son and a four year old daughter.I am dreading having this talk. Honestly, I have kind of been avoiding it.I am definitely going to look into getting that book. I am going to have "The Talk" with my son as soon as possible. So that I can prevent him from getting the wrong information from his peers.
ReplyDeleteI agree with you about pushing the no sex until marriage rule. I'm hoping that the many talks that I have in the future with my daughter will inspire her to follow that rule. Of course when I was a teenager I did not follow that rule but now that I'm older I wish I had. My main goal is to bust the communication line between my daughter and I wide open so that she is not afraid to ask me questions and we can both talk freely about this so that she will know all the facts. Good tip about the book. I will have to look that up. My daughter is only three and I have another baby girl on the way so I have a long way to go before I reach "the talk" but I can never be too prepared.
ReplyDeleteI thoroughly enjoyed your post Courtney! I think this talk is very realistic. You didn't give your daughter any ultimatums...which can sometimes drive your child directly into the situation you want them to avoid. You acknowledged how difficult abstaining is. As a Catholic I too lived my life by abstinence. I wish my parents would've talked to me this way because I found myself with someone who really didn't love me and only was interested in a physical relationship. Once he realized this wasn't going to happen, he was gone. It was very hard to get over that hurt. I think guiding your daughter and teaching her to focus on her feelings and to really think about her path, you will truly help her to find happiness.
ReplyDeleteKeep up the good work with your girls.
~Cathy Embry
Hi Courtney, I enjoyed your post. I liked the way you set the tone of the conversation "I want laugh or get upset" I fell like you are letting her know that you respect what she has to say on the subject. I felt as though your words would offer comfort to your daughter and but her at ease. Allowing her to read a book gives her information that she can learn in a private place that she feels comfortable . This will help her to understand the subject and you let her know that you're there if she needs to talk. Well done.
ReplyDeleteSandra Holman
Wow, what an amazing post. I really enjoyed the mock conversation between you and your daughter and I feel like giving her a book that encompasses all the questions that would be asked about sex is a great idea. I had never thought about a book as an alternative but it is something that they can use as another resource rather than asking friends or searching the internet. It is definitely important to be educated about sex and you have a great way on going about it. I will definitely use this idea as future reference in say 9 years from now! Thank you so much for great insight.
ReplyDeleteGiselle Robertson